Published The Advocate, December 10, 2005


I KNEW a shonky plumber who owned a greyhound. He had a bushy black beard and a touch of the night about him. The plumber, not the dog. I went with him to a greyhound meeting one night on the promise of a scoop story about rigged races. He claimed to have "inside knowledge". None of his tips won, which only confirmed in his mind that the industry, from the stewards down, was corrupt. He should talk. He and his mate did dodgy bathroom renovations. Somehow a hammer always fell repeatedly against the old hand basin or bath, which then had to be replaced on insurance. The plumber just happened to have a handy supply of replacement baths and basins in a backyard shed. He also had a sideline selling homemade salami in hotel bars. Given his high turnover of greyhounds, I now worry what meat he used in the salami. When it came to success on the track, his secret weapon was to smear hot English mustard on his dog’s nether regions as he pushed it into the starting box. The dog performed well and was very hard to catch afterwards. The stewards eventually twigged. Within the space of a month the plumber was banned from the track; the police charged him with handling stolen bathware and insurance fraud; the ATO was onto him for undeclared income; and he was being pursued by the health authorities over a salmonella outbreak. Speaking of going to the dogs, I was having a drink with Donkey Dan, The Advocate’s hapless tipster and self-styled "pensioner’s friend", who had another less than splendid Spring Carnival. We were in a windowless bar where Meaty Bites could be served as nibbles and no one would notice. One beer led to another and we decided to buy a greyhound. Donkey was thinking in the vicinity of $300 and a training deal with no upfront fees and a percentage share of the winnings. I had seen an omen in The Advocate: Australian greyhounds were reportedly being sent to Asia to be served as gourmet meals, and efforts were being made to ban their export. This could only be good news. The reason why our crayfish are so expensive is because the market demand in Japan and Hong Kong drives up the price. An export ban on a la carte greyhounds should keep down the price here. We rang our mate Sam, who has contacts in the greyhound world, to see if he could find an entry-level dog that would be immediately successful. Sam was enthusiastic. He said his lifelong ambition was to own a dish licker. Some people’s ambitions are very low. He set off like a mechanical rabbit and was soon back on the line saying we could pick up a good pup for about $1500, plus $40 a week in training fees, although it could be up to $3000 for a top breed. Jeez Louise! Hmm, now that’s not a bad name for a dog.