Published The Advocate, April 30, 2005


NOW that the white smoke has settled over the Vatican and the Cardinals have elected Pope Benedict XVI, I can let you in on a little secret: The fix was in ages ago. Yes, the Pope was chosen by a group of influential Catholic power brokers. But, no, it was not the cardinals. Indeed, the cardinals cower in fear and awe of these individuals. Even the hard men of the Vatican Curia are babes in the woods compared with this mysterious group of flint-eyed dealmakers, the real power behind the papal throne. They are the people who, while operating quietly at the parish level, in combination run a worldwide network of enormous clout within the Catholic church. The Vatican gave the impression that the choice of Pope was shrouded in secrecy and ritual. The cardinals who met in the Sistine Chapel were sworn to keep the procedure secret under pain of excommunication, and they remained locked up until they reached a decision. Electronic sweeps were even made to ensure there were no listening devices. No laptop computers were allowed. Mobile phones were banned. Successive secret ballots were held until one candidate, Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger, received the necessary two-thirds plus one of the votes. The whole theatrical process was aimed at persuading the public that outsiders could not influence the cardinals’ vote. Do not be fooled. It was all a cover. I can now reveal the identity of the real powerbrokers, the Pope-makers: They are those deceptively mild-mannered women who do the flower arrangements on the church altars in preparation for daily Mass. From the smallest parish church to the grandest cathedral, each group of flower arrangers plots how to get its own man up as Pope. They caucus, conspire, jump to conclusions and pass judgement. With their shared intimacy of the inner-workings of the church, they are quick to recognise a rising star and even quicker to undermine those with feet of clay. Clerical reputations are made and lost on their say-so. In the end, almost by divine guidance, they somehow reach a consensus on the Papacy. Their decision is then passed onto the cardinals who, in turn, do their bidding. For the cardinals to do otherwise would be unthinkable. Females may not be allowed into the priesthood, and certainly not under this Pope, but it is in the nature of Catholicism that the clergy come under the influence of elderly women. My mother is an altar flower arranger. She has never been a big fan of the Australian long-shot Cardinal George Pell. He has a lot of fence-mending to do with the flower ladies before they take him seriously as a suitable candidate. For weeks while the world watched and waited for Pope John Paul II to die, my mother had the smug look of someone who already knew the identity of the next Pope. She just did. If the road to hell is paved with good intentions then the road to the Papacy is lined with women of a certain age.