Published The Advocate, October 8, 2005


ONE of the side pleasures in going to a family wedding is to see how the nieces and nephews are coming along, now they are leaving their teens and making their way into adulthood. One generation after another, the kids their parents' masterworks, they all gathered in Sydney for my daughter Melissa's wedding. The nephews, gangly arms and legs, wore new shirts with necks four sizes too large and ties knotted skewiff under the collar flaps. The nieces wore next to nothing. You could almost see what they had for breakfast. One would have thought they might turn out better looking given their admirable bloodlines. I told them the Ryan good looks seemed to have skipped a generation. The kids are never quite sure how to take my razzing. They think their Uncle Des is strange. The bride looked convincingly virginal in white. Absolutely gorgeous, darling. Melissa had hired a professional makeup artist, who made her look like Nicole Kidman, only shorter. She should keep the artist close at hand at all times. There were no speeches allowed, which I took as a personal slight. Melissa said she had not forgiven me for the embarrassing speech I gave at her 21st, and I was not getting another crack on her wedding day. For years I had been under the impression that my 21st blunder was in saying I had hoped Melissa would grow up tall, willowy and blonde and one out of three - blonde - was not too bad. Wrong. Melissa said I had called her a fishwife in front of her friends. Oh. Since many of the friends from her 21st were there at the wedding, I offered to say a few words of public withdrawal and apology. Melissa told me to sit and behave. The band even had specific instructions not to permit me, in particular, anywhere near the microphone. The seating arrangements had been a headache, Melissa said. I was placed between her and her mother, and my mother sat opposite. There was no escape. My mum, on the sunny side of 80, has been worrying for years about getting Alzheimer's. She uses deodorant without aluminium after reading it may cause memory loss. Here are three good tips to help avoid the onset of Alzheimer's: Do something new every day; read frequently; and I cannot remember the third. Remembering names is occasionally a problem for my mum. She does not always admit to knowing her own son. She claims to be suffering a prolonged bout of post-natal depression brought on by my birth. Life's rituals start with a Christening and end at a funeral. Christenings are more fun than funerals, generally speaking, and less expensive than weddings. At Melissa's wedding, my son Paul's girlfriend revealed in a private aside that they, too, had wedding plans. I pretended not to recognise her. I denied having any son. I threatened to give a speech. I looked accusingly at Paul. He looked bewildered. Spare me, not another wedding.