Published Messenger Newspapers, Adelaide, July 24, 2002
BUILD A BETTER MOUSETRAP NO IMPROVEMENT
HUMAN ingenuity has given us many things: the wheel, laser, beer, mousetrap, microchip, beer, boomerang and beer, to name eight important ones. Most inventions are designed to solve problems - beer - and we are generally better off for them. Some we use every day - beer - and others we use whenever the need arises, such as a boomerang. Or a mousetrap. Such a simple, ingenious device - a sprung wire attached to a base - even the latest models are not really better for being made of moulded plastic. The one I bought recently, promising 30 per cent more whacking power, boasted of its, ahem, attractive, clean styling. ``Nobody but you will know it's a mousetrap,'' it said, as if I care. It also suggested using peanut butter as the bait, which I have done. So now we wait. The thing is, a mousetrap is a truly useful device that does not require the tub-thumping, hard sell to survive in the markerplace. A pity the same cannot be said of other products, currently available overseas: aromatherapy tablets in your shower nozzle. You have to purchase a special nozzle, however; squeeze-pack of coloured margarine in electric blue and shocking pink, the same colours that are added to kerosene or petrol to supposedly make them off-putting to kids; 3-in-1 nail polish which changes colour to match the wearer's mood swings. Mauve, for example, switches to silver grey under stress and then to gold in the sunlight. Only in America; women's tights - in the US again - which release subtle amounts of moisturiser onto the legs all day. Peeling them off at night must feel dreadful; Nuku Nuku Ashiyu powder, from Japan. Added to bathwater, it becomes a gel which is said to hold the heat longer. A special dissolving agent must be added to turn it back to liquid. Ugh; Phota Lite glow-in-the-dark powder, which contains the same enzyme responsible for a firefly's light. Described by the Japanese makers as a ``fun drink additive'', try slipping some into your best mate's beer for a laugh. Ah, human progress. Closer to home, another example that irks me is the Gillette Mach3 Triple Blade ``shaving system'' - blatant merchandising that has little to do with offering an innovative product. Whatever next, Gillette - four blades, five, nine? Sitting here with a beer watching the mousetrap in the corner behind the telly, no mouse, dead or alive, has made its appearance for over a week now. Perhaps the mouse recognises the thing for what it is, even if other people can't. Or maybe it prefers crunchy peanut butter. Nothing less than the body of a dead mouse will satisfy me, however, and I have a good supply of beer in the fridge to wait it out. The US essayist Ralph Waldo Emerson almost said: If a man can build a better mousetrap, the world will beat a path to his door. But not mice, it seems.
Tuesday, July 16, 2002
Published Messenger Newspapers, Adelaide, July 17, 2002
ALTERNATIVE MUSIC COMPLEX, TWISTED
NOT one for gazing too deeply into my own navel, or anyone else's for that matter, the thought of writing a song that might satisfy angst-ridden youth is quite beyond me. Too depressing, too much despair and anguish, not enough "Keep Your Sunnyside Up". Personally, I prefer to vacuum seal my innermost feelings, armour rivet them in fact, so there are no unwise cracks. I am happy enough in an unsettled way. "You struggle with the great unrest and play the cards against your chest." That line is by my pal Johnny O. He writes songs - both words and music - in his spare time and plays the instruments and sings, and then does the programming, recording and production at home. Most impressive. "Your expectations are too high, you're building me up, and then I'm a lie." Johnny O recently finished making his own CD titled "Tremor - this bag of bones". It took him two years, off and on, and he intended to run off 500 copies for the alternative music sub-culture but, at $1200, decided not to waste the money. A pity. "Every day passes like yesterday's chances, a drop in the water, or sand in the ashes." Someone, not Johnny O, has suggested the CD's influence is trip-hop, whatever that is. To me it sounds like Pet Shop Boys meets U2 meets Philip Glass. Johnny O shudders. Overwhelmingly, though, the mood is dark, anxious and depressing, a trough of human miseries. Which is surprising given Johnny O has a great sense of humour, drives a yellow Sandman panel van and goes surfing. A surfer, not a sufferer. True, his love life is often complicated but no more so than other men who find it difficult to come to grips with the concept of romance. Sex and affection are enough. "Love's all round her but love's not within her, her husband's not dead he's just resting and hateful." Sounds like a man who is down and content to stay down. Why so dark and gloomy, Johnny O? Could you possibly write a happy song? Staring vacantly into space, he said: "Happy songs are twee; the only alternative to the horror I write would be aggression.'' Best left as it is then. "And in this small town, with irritations and limitations I compensated with engines of hatred." At 37, Johnny O is a bit too old for adolescent angst although he insists not all the lyrics are personal revelations. "There are lots of red herrings in there, mate.'' I should hope so. "Exorcise all the demons inside you. Prepare for the future and forget what's behind you." He has started work on another CD, having learned some lessons from the first. For one thing, he would use fewer layers of instrumentation; nor would he sing in the bathroom again to achieve an echo effect. The echo, once there, cannot be removed - better to do it later electronically. Useful advice, Johnny O, but what are we to make of this? "Monotony, it grinds your bones, you're a prisoner in your three bedroom home, and then you hear a noise in the silent night, then you're outside naked except for the moonlight."
ALTERNATIVE MUSIC COMPLEX, TWISTED
NOT one for gazing too deeply into my own navel, or anyone else's for that matter, the thought of writing a song that might satisfy angst-ridden youth is quite beyond me. Too depressing, too much despair and anguish, not enough "Keep Your Sunnyside Up". Personally, I prefer to vacuum seal my innermost feelings, armour rivet them in fact, so there are no unwise cracks. I am happy enough in an unsettled way. "You struggle with the great unrest and play the cards against your chest." That line is by my pal Johnny O. He writes songs - both words and music - in his spare time and plays the instruments and sings, and then does the programming, recording and production at home. Most impressive. "Your expectations are too high, you're building me up, and then I'm a lie." Johnny O recently finished making his own CD titled "Tremor - this bag of bones". It took him two years, off and on, and he intended to run off 500 copies for the alternative music sub-culture but, at $1200, decided not to waste the money. A pity. "Every day passes like yesterday's chances, a drop in the water, or sand in the ashes." Someone, not Johnny O, has suggested the CD's influence is trip-hop, whatever that is. To me it sounds like Pet Shop Boys meets U2 meets Philip Glass. Johnny O shudders. Overwhelmingly, though, the mood is dark, anxious and depressing, a trough of human miseries. Which is surprising given Johnny O has a great sense of humour, drives a yellow Sandman panel van and goes surfing. A surfer, not a sufferer. True, his love life is often complicated but no more so than other men who find it difficult to come to grips with the concept of romance. Sex and affection are enough. "Love's all round her but love's not within her, her husband's not dead he's just resting and hateful." Sounds like a man who is down and content to stay down. Why so dark and gloomy, Johnny O? Could you possibly write a happy song? Staring vacantly into space, he said: "Happy songs are twee; the only alternative to the horror I write would be aggression.'' Best left as it is then. "And in this small town, with irritations and limitations I compensated with engines of hatred." At 37, Johnny O is a bit too old for adolescent angst although he insists not all the lyrics are personal revelations. "There are lots of red herrings in there, mate.'' I should hope so. "Exorcise all the demons inside you. Prepare for the future and forget what's behind you." He has started work on another CD, having learned some lessons from the first. For one thing, he would use fewer layers of instrumentation; nor would he sing in the bathroom again to achieve an echo effect. The echo, once there, cannot be removed - better to do it later electronically. Useful advice, Johnny O, but what are we to make of this? "Monotony, it grinds your bones, you're a prisoner in your three bedroom home, and then you hear a noise in the silent night, then you're outside naked except for the moonlight."
