Published The Advocate, November 27, 2004


YEARS ago, wondering what to do with the rest of my life, I resolved to try two death-defying acts before I died, or die in the attempt.
One was to leap from a plane, which I did in a tandem parachute jump with a chap called Ralph. We were hooked up closer than two blokes ought to be but hurtling earthwards at 14,000 feet I was glad of the company.
The other dare was to eat a pie floater, a South Australian delicacy comprising a meat pie plopped in a platter of pea green soup and smothered in tomato sauce, pepper and vinegar. It tastes better than it sounds or looks.
Then, just when I thought life had lost its pizzazz, last weekend I went to Bull Busters, an event organised by the Riana Primary School Parents Association.
In the chill wind slicing across the South Riana Recreation Ground, grim-faced young riders with crooked teeth and crooked walks stood around nervously adjusting their crotches.
The two clowns in their body armour limbered up with stretching exercises and by bouncing on the balls of their feet, as twitchy as boxers after too many red cordials.
And in the pens, the bulls shuffled around just as restlessly, bumping each other as if psyching themselves up. Bulls with the names Bad Vibes, Cheater, Miserable and Badlands.
Among the sponsors were Stowport Bulk Meats, Bertie's Butchers and National Pies - which I took as a warning to any under-performers.
Talk of death-defying stunts, one thrown rider wrenched his knee and, half crippled, dragged himself through the safety fence and collapsed in agony behind the chutes.
Unfortunately the next bull in the chute reared and toppled out backwards to where the prone rider was still being given first aid. I have never seen a crippled man move so fast, up the side of the fence in a shot with his bad leg dangling.
After one ``soft’’ ride where the bull actually stopped altogether for a moment, someone in the crowd yelled out, ``Take it home and milk it!’’ The offended bull went berserk and threw the rider.
Once the bucking and twisting was over, the bulls stood there huffing and nodding their heads as if bowing to the crowd.
The experienced ones even knew to trot directly to the exit gate. I reckon one of them winked at me as he left.
I learned all kinds of interesting stuff like how a rider’s best chance of staying aboard is to focus on the bull’s shoulders – DO NOT LOOK DOWN!
The program brochure said bull riding was “one of the most dangerous sports in the world”. They bring ‘em up tough at Riana Primary.
How much more exciting can it get? Quite a lot, as a matter of fact.
A wall painting unearthed in Crete dating from about 2000BC shows male and female acrobats confronting a bull, grabbing its horns as it charges, and vaulting over its back. The acrobats are naked.
It’s something the Riana Primary School might consider for next year.