Published Messenger Newspapers, Adelaide, August 7, 2002.


ONCE MORE, KEN, WITH FEELING


KEN Barnes - mornin', Ken - rings me from time to time to pass on his compliments whenever I write something he likes. He has more than a passing interest in my columns because he is a volunteer for the Royal Society for the Blind and he reads his local Messenger onto tape for RSB clients. For the blind, it means Ken's soft English accent is me. They have an impression of me through Ken and, thanks to him, they may consider me to be beautiful, strong, graceful and sociable. Sadly, I am none of those things but Ken undoubtedly makes me sound more cultured than I really am, for which I am grateful to him. I never write with anyone particular in mind but, knowing Ken will have to read it later, I try to keep out swear words and tone down any criticism of English sporting failures, which are many. Yes, I do have the power to put words into Ken's mouth, which he must find unsettling at times, but then I have to rely on his emphasis and intonation to convey the sense of what I have written. Not always easy. You would like Ken. He used to be a compositer at Messenger Press, typesetting headlines letter by letter, so having him read the paper aloud has a nice link to out shared space-time continuum. In a previous life he was also a member of the original BBC recording team on The Goons, a show dedicated to nonsensical plays on words if ever there was one. He would probably enjoy an old advertising mate of mine who, among his crimes of illiteracy, has spoken of creeping ivory on the garden wall, an immaculate contraption and his vagina pills, er, angina pills. Sorry for making you read that, Ken. Heh-heh. My mate's blurred speech also includes the Walk for the Dole scheme, saying antidote when he means anecdote and problems with the word superfluous, as in ``as superfluous as a seat on a chariot''. He says suferpluous. He is tremendous fun to play Scrabble with. Can you do an Irish accent, Ken? Then you might produce something that sounds like ``a liar and a barrister are one and the same''. Which may well be true in some cases but is substantially different to saying ``a lawyer and a barrister''. The other evening, half listening to the TV headlines in the other room, I was more than a little surprised to hear an item about a rape crisis and ABC nudes. Suddenly paying much closer attention, the story was about rate rises on the ABC News. Enjoy that, Ken? Someone once said to me: ``I thought that column was good until I found out you wrote it.'' Quite. The thing is, if you happen to enjoy what I write, don't spoil it by wishing to meet me in person. Speak to Ken instead, a lovely chap.
I enjoy the thought of Ken being my public voice. Better him than me. Another nice read, thanks Ken.