Published Messenger Newspapers, Adelaide, February 4, 2004
CAREER GOES OFF THE RAILS
A BIT late now, no doubt, but as a kid I wanted to be a train driver. I had connections. Uncle Cyril was a fireman on a steam train, which meant he shovelled coal into the furnace. Uncle Del was a lathe operator in the railway workshops. A neighbour was a station porter. A schoolmate's father was a ganger. Unfortunately, none of them had the influence to cadge me a driver's job. Their own positions were of no interest. It had to be a driver or nothing. Nothing it was. I always had my doubts about the allocation of drivers' jobs. Vacancies were never advertised. I checked recently on the TransAdelaide website: “Please note that Train Driver positions are one of the most sought after positions and that these are likely to be filled utilising internal staff for some time.” Just as I thought, a closed shop. The training is also done internally. The basic job requirements are very basic indeed: Year 11 and a car driver's licence. There is lots of other TransAdelaide blah about having a commitment to safety and customer service particularly in ``face-to-face contact with customers'', which seems unnecessary since drivers, cocooned in their own little worlds, are rarely seen by passengers. Had events turned out differently it could have been me in the driver's seat of The Ghan on its way to Darwin. I won't even be a passenger, not at $1700 for a good ticket one-way. I will wait until the trip comes out on video. In the US, some rail routes are available as computer simulations including a realistic depiction of the passing scenery and stations. The operator can control the train's speed but not much else. Presumably, for the experience to be truly realistic, the person would need to sit at the computer for the entire time of the simulated journey. In the case of The Ghan to Darwin, it would be 47 hours. Even Adelaide-Melbourne takes 11 hours, which is a long time to be sitting there in your cardigan and tartan slippers pretending to be a train driver watching two rails. I mean, a train ride is hardly a wild and unpredictable adrenalin rush. It goes, it stops, it goes again, barring derailments or crashes. The most dangerous aspect of real train travel is standing on a platform waiting to be bashed, unable to get the urine smell out of your nose and feeling the need to repeatedly wash your hands. I have ridden the supertrains of France, Italy and Britain; I have nearly passed out on the hot, crowded, smelly London Underground; I have memories as a kid of riding a regular steam train with my mother; I had a Hornsby HO train set; and I remember the 1950s TV show Casey Jones about an American train driver hero, which starred actor Alan Hale Jr, who also played the skipper in Gilligan's Island in the '60s. Never underestimate Alan Hale Jr's cultural contribution. By rights, I should be piloting The Ghan to Darwin. Then again, who in their right mind would travel to Darwin in monsoon season?
