Published Messenger Newspapers, Adelaide, December 2, 2003


RING COMPLETES FAMILY CYCLE


WHEN marriage was still fashionable, your own children's partners were known as sons- or daughters-in-law. Now, with so many of them living in sin, what should they be called? Lovers-in-law? Greeting card makers need to update their range to reflect the new reality. De Facto Father's Day? Surrogate Mother's Day? Which brings me to a recent family gathering at Normanville to celebrate my daughter Melissa's birthday. A couple of days ahead, David, the man she lives with in Sydney, rang to say he had a birthday surprise that needed my involvement. "Sure, whatever," I said, up for all manner of pranks and japes. "I was going to ask Melissa to marry me. Is that OK?"
"No problems. Heard of the word elope?" Actually, I was surprised David formally asked for my daughter's hand. I mean, they have been living together for years and what would they do if I refused to give my blessing? Elope? Damn. Melissa said, yes, and cried, as did her mother. I, too, was feeling a little unsettled by then. The two hamburgers that BBQ chef Miguel had cooked for me were still raw inside. He argued they were tartare-style. In retaliation, I thrashed him and David at eight-ball doubles, a victory shared with my son Paul, who flew from Melbourne with his live-in girlfriend Amanda. She revealed that Paul kept being "hit-on" by the gays of St Kilda, where the pair of them lived, and she was always having to extricate him from possible trouble. She recounted how Xavier, the owner of a clothes shop, had spent an inordinately long time taking Paul's measurements and then, while Paul was in the fitting room, had asked Amanda if they were "you know, connected?". "Yes, at the hips," she glared back. Paul said he hardly ever walked the streets at night without Amanda on his arm. "She's my beard," he said, meaning her presence was supposed to deflect unwanted gay attention. Apparently Paul has gained a reputation as something of a "metrosexual" since moving to Melbourne. That is, he can cook, is concerned about his appearance and is sensitive to other people's feelings. He was never like that when I lived with him. Let me also add that I have never been targeted by gay affection. Not sensitive enough. Anyway, Melissa was showing off the ring and David was looking mighty pleased with himself. He must have received one of the few properly cooked burgers. "So what did you get Melissa for her birthday?" I asked. "Huh?" "You can't just give her an engagement ring and no birthday present. That's hardly fair." David blanched and looked utterly broke. At the end of the day, we shook hands. "Thanks for giving me your daughter," he said. "You're more than welcome. Elope."