Published Messenger Newspapers, Adelaide November 5, 2003


DRIEST PLACE IN THE DRIEST STATE


THE wife of a retired Australian military attache once told me that diplomats based in strict Muslim countries had to be utterly shameless when it came to obtaining a drink. In Afghanistan, she said, they had to register as alcoholics to be allowed a drink for medicinal purposes. Her story kept playing on my mind when I recently spent a week on the Anangu Pitjantjatjara Lands in the far north - the largest alcohol dry zone in SA. The last time I was there 25 years ago, the whites had a nod-wink exemption that allowed them to drink so long as they did so discreetly in their own homes. They brought beer onto The Lands in cardboard boxes marked ``Brake Fluid'' and the empties were buried in dry creekbeds ... until the next flash flood washed them clattering downstream in their hundreds. Nowadays the alcohol ban applies equally to everyone regardless of colour. This is the land of ginless tonics. On the first night in Mimili, discussing Outback road conditions, satellite phones and anything but alcohol, Big Russ finally cracked and almost screamed: "So what do you reckon is the best beer in Australia?" From there we worked our minds through a well stocked bottle shop, shelf by shelf. Derek, a Welshman, said the Irish had invented whiskey, only to have it stolen by the Scots who mispelled it whisky, So how did the Welsh spell it, Derek? Wisgi, with a slash over the "g". One sober day blurred into another. Watching the Rugby World Cup on TV, every advertisement seemed to be for Heineken, Guinness, XXXX beer or Carlton Mid-Strength. An ad depicting a couple drinking champagne in a spa at an Alice Springs resort caused a near-riot. Russ glanced at himself in the mirror: "You're a fascinating looking man." Some people will say anything after two pots of coffee. The grog ban has had an effect on The Lands. At Indulkana, the school had to put out a call for empty springwater boxes to make Halloween lanterns. Once, unlimited numbers of wine casks would have been available. In fact, The Lands also offer a range of mind blowing alternatives. One is the yellow flower of the corkwood tree, which contains nectar that ferments in the sun and turns to alcohol. Stockmen picking the flowers as they rode along would be drunk by dinner time. The Aborigines also put the flowers in water holes to make the kangaroos go wobbly and then knocked them over for tucker. Another offering is the pituri shrub whose leaves contain a narcotic which, if concentrated in tablet form, could be distributed to nightclubs across the country in fair return for the alcohol and substance abuse inflicted on Aborigines. It could be sold as "Revenge". On our last night, at Ernabella, we found wine glasses in the cupboard and used them to toast outselves with Diet Coke, for tomorrow we drink again. At 2.10pm at Alice Springs airport, I had my first beer in five days. A second quickly followed and there were several others. That night I was thunderstruck by diarrhoea, the beer having gone through me like a dose of salts.