Published Messenger Newspapers, Adelaide, April 30, 2003.
HAVING SECOND THOUGHTS ON LIFE
A STEADY diet of pilsener beer and pickled smallgoods has given rise to stray thoughts recently that seem to have nothing whatever to do with me. They might be trivial thoughts (why do we have eyebrows?); nonsensical (the Tax Office should have gift vouchers); or simply inappropriate (the ``impure thoughts'' of the pubescent confessional). Coming out of nowhere, these subconscious thoughts cannot be spoken out loud. Whose mind is at work here? Is this really me talking to myself? If so, I am not to be taken seriously. At the supermarket checkout the other morning, the bored operator asked: ``Would you like your toilet rolls in a bag, sir?'' As if she really cared. Her name tag said she was EILEIDH. What sort of parents would give a girl a name that she cannot spell much less pronounce? An economy pack of nine toilet rolls: A toilet is flushed in one suburb and the waste ends up in another _ where is the fairness in that? Discuss. Speaking of which, I once knew a council city manager whose office toilet had a footmat monogrammed with his initials MLS. One packet of tap washers: I rang a plumber the other day to come around to fix the hot water system, which is running hot and cold like me, and I am still waiting for him to turn up. The electrician and the painter will not come either, not even for cash in hand, because they think I will write about them, which I admit did happen the last time. Did you know stockbrokers are not allowed to accept cash for share transactions? Whatever happened to trust? Pet food: Choice turkey cuts with cranberry sauce; chicken and avocado vol au vonts. Puh-leeze. Must get a pet. Six cans of Coke: I once heard about a suburban police station where a fake Coke machine upstairs dispensed cans of cold beer for the detectives. A fine idea although Coca-Cola may think otherwise. One jar of pickled onions branded Blue Banner and a bottle of Worcestershire sauce branded Spring Gully: The brands Nicorette and Alfa Romeo were boat names in the Sydney to Hobart yacht race. Yachts, football clubs and horse races can all be sponsored for naming rights, so why not the horses themselves? It may be confusing for the punters but--``Sir!'' stroppy Eileidh interrupted my thoughts, ``Do you want a bag for your toilet rolls or not?'' With all these thoughts whizzing around in my head I couldn't think, like the millipede that suddenly realises it has 1000 legs and is paralysed by indecision. Supermarket bags: What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a plastic bag? One is white, plastic and a danger to children ... the other carries groceries. Sorry. If the human mind can be judged by the state of my thoughts, and you are thinking what I am thinking, then we all are in deep, deep trouble.
Monday, April 28, 2003
Published Messenger Newspapers, April 23, 2003.
ANTI WAR PROTEST ABOVE ALL OTHERS
HERE we are again, Anzac Day this Friday and another war out of the way. For a country that considers itself peaceful and laidback, Australia's armed forces often seem to be heading off to conflicts in one place or another around the world.
What is it about us? I wish I understood. With the invasion of Iraq done and dusted, by way of anecdote to mark Anzac Day, here is a tribute to the resilient human spirit in war, sometimes against good sense:
* The defenders of the last Nazi perimeter in Berlin - Hitler's bunker - were Frenchmen, a handful of battle-hardened fascists, along with the remnants of like-minded young Danes and Norwegians. Hitler and Goebbels were dead and, with the vengeful Russians advancing rapidly on Berlin, most of the remaining German troops had wisely melted away. Yet the Frenchmen stayed and were last seen fighting bravely and dying in a vain attempt to cover the escape of Martin Bormann. Always be wary of zealots.
* In the Royal Navy, having endured so much together in battle, a sailor's loyalty to his ship and mates was so great that when an order was given to ``Abandon Ship!'', some were seen going below decks to go down with the ship. I mentioned this story to a Royal Australian Navy veteran, who saw plenty of action in the Pacific in WWII, and he had never heard of Australian sailors doing such a thing. He also doubted if the British had really done so either, not in WWII anyway, but perhaps it was different in WWI in an era when English boys from desperate backgrounds went to sea to escape their poverty as much as anything. The Navy would have been the only family some of them ever really knew.
* Author Evelyn Waugh was such an imperious toff and so dismissive of the troops in his unit that he was demobbed by the British Army because of fears he would be shot by the men under his command; and
* Winston Churchill, visiting the bombed East End of London during the Blitz, made a speech that concluded with the words: ``We can take it.'' A voice from the crowd shouted back: ``What do you mean `we', you fat bastard?''
Throughout the Iraqi invasion, I listened to John Winston Howard, ``Phoney Tony'' Blair and George W mouth the sombre words of wartime statesmanship _ responsibility, duty and liberation. These words are always used when old men send young men off to war. The Romans had the best idea. If the Senate decided to invade a country, one of the Senators had to go with the centurions into battle. None of our grim trio ever blooded himself in battle nor, so far as I am aware, even served in the armed forces. Yet, here they were, making their voices go as deep as possible, except for Tony, acting out their scripted and well-rehearsed roles as warrior statesmen. A question: To what extent are wartime leaders driven by embedded, unresolved issues with their fathers? Read Freud and discuss. By memorialising our military war dead, Anzac Day itself is the greatest anti-war protest of all in this country. Lest we forget.
(Anecdotes plundered from various articles in the London Review of Books)
ANTI WAR PROTEST ABOVE ALL OTHERS
HERE we are again, Anzac Day this Friday and another war out of the way. For a country that considers itself peaceful and laidback, Australia's armed forces often seem to be heading off to conflicts in one place or another around the world.
What is it about us? I wish I understood. With the invasion of Iraq done and dusted, by way of anecdote to mark Anzac Day, here is a tribute to the resilient human spirit in war, sometimes against good sense:
* The defenders of the last Nazi perimeter in Berlin - Hitler's bunker - were Frenchmen, a handful of battle-hardened fascists, along with the remnants of like-minded young Danes and Norwegians. Hitler and Goebbels were dead and, with the vengeful Russians advancing rapidly on Berlin, most of the remaining German troops had wisely melted away. Yet the Frenchmen stayed and were last seen fighting bravely and dying in a vain attempt to cover the escape of Martin Bormann. Always be wary of zealots.
* In the Royal Navy, having endured so much together in battle, a sailor's loyalty to his ship and mates was so great that when an order was given to ``Abandon Ship!'', some were seen going below decks to go down with the ship. I mentioned this story to a Royal Australian Navy veteran, who saw plenty of action in the Pacific in WWII, and he had never heard of Australian sailors doing such a thing. He also doubted if the British had really done so either, not in WWII anyway, but perhaps it was different in WWI in an era when English boys from desperate backgrounds went to sea to escape their poverty as much as anything. The Navy would have been the only family some of them ever really knew.
* Author Evelyn Waugh was such an imperious toff and so dismissive of the troops in his unit that he was demobbed by the British Army because of fears he would be shot by the men under his command; and
* Winston Churchill, visiting the bombed East End of London during the Blitz, made a speech that concluded with the words: ``We can take it.'' A voice from the crowd shouted back: ``What do you mean `we', you fat bastard?''
Throughout the Iraqi invasion, I listened to John Winston Howard, ``Phoney Tony'' Blair and George W mouth the sombre words of wartime statesmanship _ responsibility, duty and liberation. These words are always used when old men send young men off to war. The Romans had the best idea. If the Senate decided to invade a country, one of the Senators had to go with the centurions into battle. None of our grim trio ever blooded himself in battle nor, so far as I am aware, even served in the armed forces. Yet, here they were, making their voices go as deep as possible, except for Tony, acting out their scripted and well-rehearsed roles as warrior statesmen. A question: To what extent are wartime leaders driven by embedded, unresolved issues with their fathers? Read Freud and discuss. By memorialising our military war dead, Anzac Day itself is the greatest anti-war protest of all in this country. Lest we forget.
(Anecdotes plundered from various articles in the London Review of Books)
