Published Messenger Newspapers, Adelaide, March 19, 2003


GAMES ARE NOT THE SAME WITHOUT NICKNAMES


EVER since Jesus gave the Apostle Peter the nickname "Rock'', almost every sporting side has boasted at least one Rock. A real Anthony Rock played footy for the Kangaroos and for Hawthorn but his nickname was "Bart'' apparently because of a passing resemblance to Bart Simpson. By one account, the cartoon character was tattooed on Rock's butt. Nicknames, an essential part of sporting life, are often no more than contractions of a person's name or a statement of the obvious in some other way. Stuart "Stuey'' O'Grady, for example. Or skinny people might be called "Muscles''; anyone with red hair is called "Blue''; cricketer Darren Lehmann is known as "Boof''; and Mark "Scud'' Philippoussis is so named because his serve is as fast as a Scud missile. Changerooms often produce the best nicknames. I know a club cricketer whose nickname is "Ron'', a dimunitive of Iron Knob. Changerooms are also a rich source of sporting folklore. A mate of mine, a promising Melbourne Cricket Club batsman when he was in his teens, tells the story of former Australian opener Keith "Stacky'' Stackpole, who was supervising a training session for young Victorian cricketers including my mate. As the lads went through their various drills, Stacky remained in the grandstand until right at the end when the great man walked onto the ground to share his pearls of wisdom. "OK, fellas,” he said, “now off you go to the showers and remember, you learn more about cricket from your mates in the shower than you do on the training field.'' I am still scratching my head over that one and my mate's career plateaued. I like rhyming slang nicknames. I was once asked if I would like an Edna? Edna Everidge. Beverage. Beer. Or "It's your Wally'', after the Australian wicket keeper Wally Grout, for your shout, your turn to buy a beer. Gladstone Small, an English bowler who played for South Australia a few years back, was called "Pearl''. He had almost no neck. Neckless. Pearl necklace. He was also called ``Manos'', as in Manos Chickens - no necks. Another cricketer, who consistently scores between 40 and 50 runs for his district club, is known as "Arkaba'', after the Arkaba Hotel, notable for its crowd of over-40s. The point of having nicknames, it seems to me, is to assist team building. Even the Mafia has them: Tony "The Butcher'' Battista or Freddy "The Manicurist'' D'Angelo. With nicknames, really stupid people can still be made to feel part of the team, as in "Fourby'' - thick as a four-by-two plank. Here is a team building exercise: At the next coffee break, make up nicknames for all your co-workers and refer to them only by these names from now on. Omit no-one, not even those colleagues who are considered too boring to rate a nickname in normal circumstances. Such people often bring their own personal coffee maker to work. Secretly put decaf in the coffee maker and when they have withdrawn from their addiction, replace it with espresso. Thereafter, they shall be called "Psycho".