Published Messenger Newspapers, Adelaide, January 29, 2003


SECRET MEN'S ROOM BUSINESS EXPOSED


FELLOW traveller Richard B worries a lot and George W. Bush is his current major worry, with good reason, as he reflects gloomily on the world's impending doom. His starting point for argument's sake is 250 million Americans own 50 per cent of the world's wealth with no apparent intention of sharing it, and bad things shall come to pass as a consequence. Richard, a benign man in all other respects, has a rather perverse sense of humour which makes him good entertainment at lunch over a bottle of wine, as we were doing the other day in the company of an older woman. Into the second bottle, it happened that Richard and I made a move for the toilet at the same time. We hesitated - "You go first." ... "No, you." ... "No, I insist." - and our female guest wondered why we did not just go together? Yes, were we women, we absolutely would have insisted on going together. I can think of no sensible explanation apart from having someone else check if the back of your dress is tucked into your knickers. Anyway, my need was more pressing than Richard's at the time and I went first, making the excuse that we could not let the lady sit by herself even though she seemed perfectly content with her wine and duck. Richard waited and then took his turn and when we had all settled down again, he asked why straight mates never went to the toilet together if they could help it? And, if they did, he wondered, why did they stand as far away from one another as possible? Richard happens to be gay and I am not, so our experiences in public toilets may be somewhat different. He had other questions, too: Who is the more butch, the guy who leaves first or the guy who takes longest? Do real men wash their hands? Do all stockmen describe the ABC symbol in the dust? Which reminded me of an old joke about the man coming home late and relieving himself in the snow in his front yard. Chastised by his wife next morning, he indignantly denied it until she said: "I recognised your hand writing." Richard then revealed that he suffered from what he called nervous bladder syndrome whenever he went to a public lavatory. He said he would stand at the ready but nothing happened if someone else was present. He worried that standing there doing nothing might look a bit sus' to the other guy. But fleeing the scene only meant he had to go again soon, which made it look like he was going too often - even more sus'. He therefore preferred the privacy of a cubicle.
I told him I had not given these weighty matters much thought and and was now secretly dreading having to go again myself within the next half hour. Meantime, I asked Richard, given his leftish geo-political viewpoint, if he thought John Howard and George W went to the toilet together? Definitely, he said, and probably stood close enough to hold hands.