Published Messenger Newspapers, Adelaide, Wednesday, May 15, 2002.


TA SERVES YOU RIGHT


THE best headwaiter I ever saw in action was Terry Armstrong from the old Braested, on Greenhill Rd, when it was still a restaurant in the '80s and not the aged care home it has become. Everyone knew him as TA. He remembered all the guests' names and food preferences; always walked clockwise around a table, leading with the left foot and serving from the right; and never carried more than three plates, all balanced on one arm if necessary to leave the other hand free to arrange a guest's napkin. TA was a combination of relaxed charm and professional perfection. Carer, adviser and entertainer. TA had the gift. He also used to camp it up a fair bit. One of his naughty tricks was to go around a matronly table of eight serving each in turn and on reaching the guest of honor - perhaps the grande dame celebrating her 80th birthday - he would release a windup toy that had been hidden in his palm. Ho-ho, the cackles of horror and delight as a little plastic willy on two feet waddled across the table. I think it was TA who told me that a person who is nice to you but rude to the waiter is not a nice person. But there are limits, TA. Such as the lunch I had recently with a cop and a publican at a newish city restaurant where we had three young waitresses always in our face like a revolving door, more like spruikers, repeatedly interrupting the conversation to get our orders out of the way. ``The duck breast? Fabulous choice, sir - that's just what I would have ordered! ... Oh, the lamb is fabulous, too, but best slightly underdone, yes, even if it does turn your stomach ... The riesling is a favourite of mine, sir, one of Wolf Blass's best vintages. Fabulous.'' With the meal over and an unfinished bottle of wine on the sideboard, suddenly we became invisible and I had to serve myself to the wine while the girls milled around elsewhere chewing their hair ends. When the matron d' finally heaved into view, she had the gall to say: ``You poured that in the wrong glass.'' A corked tongue. This is not a restaurant review, lucky for them. Instead, I left no tip, I will not return there as a paying customer and will happily repeat the name to anyone who asks. I blame the speed eating trend - ``I want to eat and I want it NOW!'' - the serve yourself buffet, the all day breakfast, the table of eight who order coffees and start complaining if they do not arrive within a minute. Which rather begs the question: Which is more important, the food or the service? I have returned to restaurants where the food was ordinary if the service was good; rarely, however, have I bothered to return when the service was slovenly or pushy, no matter how good the food. I do not remember any particular dishes at Braested but I do have happy memories of TA. Presumably he has retired. I have not seen him for years but some time ago, second or third hand, I heard that he wanted to catch up for old time's sake. But his phone number went missing. Ring me, TA, and we will lament the decline in service standards over lunch.